believe it or not, but this week was kind of slim on the pickings. get it? 'slim pickens'? fine. never mind. well, actually, there was a lot that fit into the 'been there, done that' category so i was able to shove a lot into the upright filing cabinet as i went along. the usual reliables were uncharacteristically quiet and very few stepped up to fill in the voids they left behind. much of the week was dedicated to the disappearance of the malaysian airliner which, apparently has, as of this morning*, been located with the more or less expected worst-case-scenario results, but leading up to today, several people had to weigh in with their predictions/conclusions/best-guesstimates...in other words, the newest crop of blooming idiot conspiracy theories began to flower, fed by healthy doses of manure from different sources. one shoveler found that, through sources he claims have never failed him, obama is to blame. color me surprised. eric rush and his infallible 'un-named insiders' claim...i mean 'assert'...that super-secret advanced technology aboard the plane, technology developed by the cia in conjunction with chinese scientists, was the target. under the orders of obama, who apparently neither likes nor trusts the chinese and doesn't want to share, the cia hijacked the plane to steal said technology before the chinese could get their hands on it (which the cia knew was in the works). flown to a secret, unknown location, the crew and passengers were interrogated (though about what, since the whole thing was secret, is unclear) and then eliminated. as i said, the entirety of the plot, the location of the plane, the technology and obama's involvement come from people rush claims have (in his words) 'never been wrong'.
not to be outdone, don lemon gathered a panel to discuss the possibility that the plane was sucked into a black hole, but just a teeny, tiny one that got just the plane and managed to not suck up the rest of the universe. or maybe just another type of 'supernatural event'....think 'twilight zone' or 'time tunnel', maybe even 'lost'....but stopping just short of saying the 'r' word. that was left to ann graham lotz, evangelist and daughter of billy graham, who said that, just possibly, this was a dry run for the rapture, a divine 'coming attraction' trailer since the bible said the rapture would gather only the most faithful, the fact that a plane carrying passengers who were mostly malaysian and chinese, it is doubtful (though not entirely impossible) that there were many christians on the passenger manifest. but it would be a real nipple-twister if it were found that 'non-believers' were found to be more worthy of the rapture than a plane carrying, say, the palin, cruz and bachmann families.
and taking it to another level, some numerologists say this whole thing was programmed into time and the universe because of the number 37: 37 months after the fukushima disaster, which lies on the 37th parallel, in which 37 people were initially injured. flight 370 disappeared on 3/7 while flying at 37,000 feet. and one of the men whose stolen passport was used was....37 years old.. you know, when you look at all those 'coincidental' 37's, i'm inclined to put more weight into that than in the rapture.
religion crept into a few other areas as well. it seems the raffle at the new york church where the top give-away was an ar-15 was a resounding success. so much so that they intend to do it again because 'that's what jesus would want'. yes, i do believe i remember jesus, who preached of god being about peace, love and forgiveness, including in his beatitudes. 'blessed are those who carry high-velocity firearms for they shall inherit the earth by kicking everyone else's ass and not submitting to background checks like some un-american pussy." and then he wrote the constitution....for christians only.
meanwhile, a woman in tennessee was hearing from both god AND satan. it seems two sides of this little menage a trois were urging her to take action because she was upset that her husband was watching too much nascar on television, to the extent that she felt it amounted to "worshiping' the sport. taking god's advice she took the car, but not before arming herself with a large kitchen knife on the advice of satan. she then proceeded to drive to and INTO her church, where she then called her husband for help. while she lay near the altar, her husband came to her assistance and she stabbed him in the chest. after her arrest, she admitted to liking to 'smoke a bunch of weed' and 'sometimes i start seeing things.' she also told the police, 'isn't god good? he told me this would happen and just look. i'm okay'. well, that might be overstating things a bit. i wonder which one will make a more convincing character witness...god or could it be.....(calling the church lady!) SATAN?
and, of course, what would any discussion on 'religious voices' be without a mention of pat robertson. he had a fan, barb, who had questions about trying to come to terms with the fact that her father had abused her mother. after speaking up in her mother's defense, the father became verbally abusive and threw her out of the house. she had then been advised by her pastor to go to her father and apologize....she had to apologize to him!!!....because apparently she had done something wrong, though she didn't know what that 'wrong' was. well, that didn't do any good so she decided to cut her father out of her life. wrong! said pat. the fact that 'barb' had endured two bouts of cancer was only proof that she had to take her father back into her life and forgive him, because this is what was causing the cancer in the first place. yup. she was causing her cancer by not forgiving an abusive father and husband, and just putting it behind her and 'letting it go'. it's always the most christian thing to do....blame the victim.
and, finally, a word about the creationists and their outrage. this time, it's not just about the movie "noah" being historically inaccurate (such as the women in the story are given too much attention because the bible barely mentions them at all, not even giving noah's wife a name and the others are referred to simply as the son's wives). no, this time it's aimed at the new version of "cosmos" and it's host. they are demanding neil give them equal time to rebut his statements and give their own 'facts' in order to show him (and us) why he is SOOOO WRONG! c'mon guys. you raised enough money to build your own museum. don't tell me you can't scrape together a few delusional...oops, i meant generous...donors to put together your own show. and there are enough channels and websites that would donate (or at least give you a believer's discount) airtime. or maybe you can simply create one through the power of prayer, if you're too cheap to shell out any of your hard(ly) earned money.
i know i said finally, but i have to include a quickie from minnesota. state representative andrea kieffer came out against feminism and those who would fight for equal pay or any benefits (you know, the ones they generally consider 'women's issues') such as sick leave and health benefits that would put them on an equal footing with males in similar working conditions, by saying that their actions are just making them look like a bunch of whiners and causing women to lose the degree of respect they've worked so hard for over the years. yes indeedy! i can just see the respect for women oozing out of the conservative pores all over america. and as for andrea? there are 10,000 lakes to choose from. pick one. any one. and jump in it.
well, that does wrap it up for now. and considering the dominant role they played this week, i'll stick my neck out and wait for ms. palin to call with her 'stop picking on me and my jesus!' but, as she's so ready to defend it as it applies to her, i'll just put out this reminder....it's called freedom of speech, bitch!
ba-bye, now.
*i originally wrote this on 3/24. now (3/25) there's a lot being said to throw the malaysian claims into question. they're talking about satellite data, which they're being slow to divulge, but still no physical evidence. next of kin are really getting pissed and demanding more from the government. i guess, the search goes on.
No comments:
Post a Comment