it's not surprising, but i didn't get a thank you note from last week's winner, nor were contestants beating at my door begging to be included on this weeks list. however disappointing this weeks crop may be, the level of wankerness (wankery? wankerosity?) did manage to rise to a slightly higher level by extending itself to the international stage, but we will discuss that later.
i'd like to start off with referencing a video i saw, i believe, on good morning america. a security video caught a man trying to break into a store by apparently prying at the lock on the front door. he seems to be successful because the door gives and he spends some time pushing at the door, which refuses to open. after several attempts, he glares at the door before finally walking away. i'm not sure if this says more about him as a burglar or about the quality of our educational system (assuming he took advantage of what was offered) because, had he taken the time to read the sign on the door, it said "pull". i sincerely hope he had better luck on his next stop, but somehow i doubt it.
along the same line, we had the the airline pilots on a flight to branson, missouri, who had to slam on their brakes to keep from going off the runway. you see, the runway was about 3,000 feet too short to accom- modate a plane of that size. the reason? they had landed at the wrong airport, the right one being about 8 miles away. well, it is so understandable since all airports look alike from way up there and all those meters, gauges and instruments with the flashing lights are only there to make it harder for you to find a place to put down your drink.
next, what would a list for wotw be without a candidate from our ever reliable folks at fox. dr. ablow, a member of the crack medical team (or was that medical team on crack?) had to weigh in on the theater shooting that left a man dead, his wife wounded and a little girl without a father, by stating that the phone, and not the gun, was really responsible for the tragedy. by claiming it is the result of man's over-reliance on technology and devices that has helped dehumanize us and naming the new syndrome/disease "data rage", i can almost bring myself to partially maybe somewhat kinda agree with him...to a point. when people are more eager to catch a video on their smartphone rather than step in to help someone in distress, the over-reliance thing works for me. but with the over-reliance on guns to settle even the most minor of disputes, he has to blame a phone being used to check up on your daughter and her babysitter rather than the weapon used to protect oneself from some obviously deadly (too much butter) thrown popcorn, rated somewhere on the u.n.-approved list of weapons of mass destruction...somewhere between spitballs and loogies, it can only lead to one conclusion on my part: dr. ablow, as a psychiatrist...you suck!
as we now start down the path to the politically oriented , we'll make a brief stop to consider the facebook page that celebrated the prospect of lynching our president with a lovely photo-shopped picture. to express their displeasure, several (apparently hundreds) people decided to visit the page with photos of their own...of goats. smiling goats. goats in drag. goats butts. all manner of goatery. needless to say, the owner of the page is a tad upset. and why. you ask? because goats (unlike sheep, who are associated with god) are symbols of satan and therefore it is a liberal (more minions of the devil) satanic conspiracy to deny him his freedom of speech and expression. you might ask where he got all this. why, from one his fellow "believers" who goes by the name of miss lilly, where else, who also warns him that all trolls are liberal. so there you have it. beware of satanic liberal goat-trolls (i'm surprised they didn't somehow work gay and muslim into the mix). can the end of days be far behind??
stepping fully into the political arena, we will first encounter colorado state senator vicki marble who jumped in to help try to derail colorado's new marijuana policies by introducing legislation to help prevent the pot-shops (now making a shit-load of money and pouring tax revenue into the state coffers) from allowing customers to use food stamps to purchase their weed. and her source for this damning evidence? an article in the national report, a newspaper much like the onion, noted for it's use of satire. oh. did i forget to mention? she also claimed recently that fried chicken was to blame for the poverty affecting the black and hispanic communities. not sure what her source for that was but think it may have been a burger king paper placemat.
moving back east, we have jack kingston, running for the u.s. senate for the state of georgia as (what else?) a republican, who wants to introduce for consideration, the elimination of free school lunches for poor kids, requiring them to do work around the school in order to earn the privilege of having something to eat. and this in the face of facts that he has bought meals for his staff for as much as $4,182.00....all billed to the public. sorry, mr. kingston. it's gruel for you.
meanwhile, back in the midwest, we find a wisconsin businessman (and, surprise! big donor to scott walker) who found himself very unhappy with what he was required to pay in child support. everything was by the law, so it dawned on him that his only recourse would be to change the law. so he got his lawyers to help write a new law and enlist the help of another one of the recipients of his conservative generosity....state rep. joel kleefisch, who just so happens to the husband of the wisconsin lieutenant governor. since details of this arrangement came out, kleefisch has announced that it will not be submitted for consideration. and not because there was something dodgey about the whole thing, but because it was being unfairly represented in the media. yeah. totally unfair when a law can't be bought and rewritten just to suit the requirements of one wealthy donor. what IS our government coming to?
and, finally, as i promised we take it beyond the pond to the beautiful vacation destination, iran*. fars, an unofficial government news agency, has reported that within the documents in possession of mr. snowden, is proof positive that aliens (e.t.-types) now control, and have controlled since 1945, american foreign policy. in fact, they were responsible for helping hitler with some of his technical advancements before and during w.w.II. not only that, but president obama is getting ready to officially announce the existence of those aliens, which will lead to an armed invasion of the united states by those same aliens in conjunction with canadian forces in a military takeover. and if you don't believe the iranians, check the website "what does it mean"...sure, it's a tea party-fringe conspiracy site but they'd NEVER lie, would they?...where they also reported that according to a poll of white rural voters in america, former iranian president ahmadinejad would win in an election over barack obama. their source for the results of that poll? you guessed it. the onion. and with that, i think there's no doubt who this weeks winner is. CONGRATULATIONS, FARS!
there we have it...this weeks list. believe me when i say i had to whittle it down, but despite the fact that there were others just screaming to be included i had eliminate them based on the simple fact that they were more asswad than wanker material. i mean, one has to draw the line somewhere.
toodles!!
*i, in no way, mean to infer that iran is not a nice place and all her people are american-haters. but. it's just that it doesn't rank very high on my list of "10 war-torn desert countries i'd like to visit before i die". if i wanted to visit a hotter-than-hell place with people i mostly want to avoid i'd choose texas. or florida.
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