let's just jump right in, shall we? but we'll start at the shallow end....the kiddie pool, if you like.
justin bieber was arrested after leaving a strip club at 4 a.m. and indulging in a little drag racing on a miami residential street. when stopped, he was a little testy (let's get out minds out of the gutter for a moment, shall we?), but at least i have to give him credit for not using the "do you know who i am?" line. anyway, aside from being mildly combative, he just didn't know when to zip his lip and proceeded to admit to having been drinking (he's only 19), smoking pot (smart move, exlax!) and being under the influence of prescription drugs given to him by his mother. what? didn't want to shout out "AND I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR!!!"? none of this really comes as much of a surprise since he's been acting kind of strange since loosing, not only selena, but his monkey as well (there goes that dirty mind again!) and surrounds himself with yes-men, sycophants and people who just can't seem to tell him "no!". and, apparently, that would include his mother and his father, who, it's being said, was involved in helping block off streets so his little precious could go "v'room, v'room!". personally, the little semi-talented puke should finally be shown what it's like to have to be held accountable for one's actions regardless of how much money you've made off of screaming little girls, their helpless parents who give in to them rather than put up with the incessant whining and, more than likely, a fair share of gay men who enjoy collecting all the selfies of him "sans blouse". now, if any tween girls happen to read this, i guess i can expect death threats at any time.
moving on, those of the political arena were especially obliging this week, offering quite a variety of comments and statements for consideration. mike huckabee, for instance, told a republican gathering that women are being duped by the democrats who are telling women "they are helpless without uncle sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government." this, coming from a member of the party that feels they have the right to dictate to women what they can and cannot, should and should not, be able to decide for themselves concerning their health and reproductive rights. in regards to mike, i do have to marvel at the wonders of science that can pile crap that high AND make it talk. he does say that the women he knows are "smart, intelligent and educated"....guess who got a thesaurus for christmas?...and fully capable of making decisions for themselves. decisions like what to make hubby for dinner or what shoes to wear with what dress to the p.t.a. or how much to ask mister head-of-house she's allowed to spend for groceries this week. yet the conservatives continue to try to take those more important decisions out of her hands because daddy (the republican controlled house) knows best.
and speaking of those smart, educated and intelligent women, ummm..... i unfortunately can't offer you any examples here, so, we'll have to begin with sarah palin, who has been gone for not long enough. she popped out of her cozy little hole (watch that mind!) to take advantage of mlk day, by responding to a recent interview by the president who, for the first time, admitted that there are, or may be, voters out there that dislike him based solely on the color of his skin. sarah, dipping into her wondrous well of wisdom (and naturally coming up with an empty bucket) accused the president of playing the race card, which. in her view, is so disrespectful to the memory of dr. king (aside: conservatives are also in a lather about the reference to mlk as doctor and not reverend because, after all, he was first and foremost a man of god. another shot in the war on christians) . taking her cue from sarah, alice stewart, during her appearance on cnn and also referencing the president's interview, refused to admit there was even one person who didn't like him because he was black. NOT A SINGLE ONE! no matter how she was pressed by host don lemond or fellow guest marc lamont hill, he was disliked solely on his policies and not his race. adamantly stressing NOT A SINGLE ONE!! apparently, neither one has been to a tea party rally without blinders or seen the websites that picture him as an ape, call for his return to kenya or urge others to shoot or lynch him (all accompanied by shopped photos). but, i guess i must be mistaken because none of it is racially based. not a single one.
another lovely (?) lady pundit (aside: pundit: from the sanskrit panditah meaning learned one HAH!!) had to weigh in this week on piers morgan, this time on the subject of legalized marijuana. ann coulter is against it. and not for any of the reasons that others are throwing out there. not because it's a gateway drug or because tokers will rise up and begin killing their neighbors in a purple-hazed stupor. not because they will begin using their food stamps to buy weed. not because some "studies" indicate pot smoking can give you schizophrenia and it's more dangerous than booze. certainly not because it will end up bringing the country to it's knees as bill o'reilly claims. no. her prime reason, according to her, is that when she first moved to california she hired a guy to clean her pool. after three days, the work was not done so she called him at home to complain and ask why the job had not been completed. from that conversation...OVER THE PHONE...she determined he was just another lazy, overeating california pot head, and she would not then, or ever, be held accountable for paying for someone else's munchies. big deal. she'd probably insist on paying only for generic chips when we asked for doritos.
the southwest gave us a triple in batting practice for team wanky. first, an oklahoma legislator, in his attempt to stand against same-sex marriages, wants to introduce for consideration a law that would simply ban ALL marriage, replacing them with social contracts. i thought that's just what a marriage was? meanwhile, we have in arizona, back to back hitters. sheriff joe, who wants to give only bread and water to any convict under his "care" if they do not adequately express their patriotism (i.e. not saying the pledge of allegiance, not standing during the national anthem or refusing to admit that jesus wrote the constitution), while the arizona republican committee decided to censure john mc cain because he's not conservative enough. hell. why not just tell him he's not white enough?
oops. almost forgot the clean-up hitter, a mr. yarborough, also from arizona, who wants to "clarify" the state's religious freedom law, in order to protect businesses such as caterers, photographers and bakers from being forced to provide services to same-sex couples at their weddings. he wishes to expand the law to include "any individual, association, partnership, corporation, church, religious assembly or institution, estate, trust, foundation or other legal entity." in other words, just about everybody from your aunt minnie selling her pies on the porch to the homeless guy who offers to wash your windshield down at the stoplight. hotels could refuse to rent to same-sex couples and companies could refuse to hire unmarried women simply by saying it's against their religion. the expansion is being backed by the center for arizona policy. but do not despair! he goes so far as to say, "in no way does this bill allow discrimination of any kind." believe that and, boy, do i have a bridge for you!
we can't forget virginia, where a delegation from moms demand action for gun sense were held up while trying to enter the capital building by troopers who felt it necessary to rip the small american flags from the small sticks to which they were attached. why, you may ask? well, i will tell you. because the sticks were considered potential weapons, possibly of the deadly variety. ironically, all the while they were being "disarmed", members of the virginia citizens defense league filed past them, entering the capital totin' their guns. it's not been reported if any of the moms were also forced to surrender their tampons.
we'll close with brief shout-outs to two of our usual stalwarts:
"goober" gohmert went on fox to help spread the truth about his claim that the liberal media (evil, incarnate!) is skewing his words once again. it had been reported that he had claimed to know of many examples of girls who got pregnant ON PURPOSE in order to collect government money and suck on her generous and ample teat. he even brought video as proof. they cut the video short, not showing it in full, but had they done so, it would have shown that's exactly what he did say. thank you, fox. the truth exposed. it wasn't the sinister minions of the liberal media, but his buddies at fox who played the "taken out of context" card.
rafael cruz, daddy of the saviour ted, declared at a texas rally that SARAH WAS RIGHT and that administration insiders have admitted that the death panels she predicted would be in effect by 2017. he claims IPABs are those panels, when they are strictly advisory boards established in an attempt to determine areas where cost cutting actions might be recommended for medicare payments (any changes would still have to be approved by congress). of course, never is that whistleblower identified and any internet searches either come up with nada or direct you to extremist conspiracy websites.
phew!
that was actually quite a list, but i must admit a couple were added as "breaking news" and i just didn't feel i could put them off until next week. the winner? i'm really kind of pooped, having to relive all the week's wankiness, so i'm going to leave it up to you. but i do have my favorites. i've even considered making wanker categories so there could be winners on more than one level, but that would just be the lazy way out (just like having you decide). but if i really MUST decide, i'm going to have to go with (ta-taDAH!!)...THE SOUTHWEST!! that's right, i'm giving it to an area. maybe there's something in the water that makes a whole region worthy of being named this weeks wanker, but one can't deny they all meet the basic requirements. and, really, "goober" and daddy cruz did put it over the top. i would have gone with the ladies, if not for them. but what really makes this chilling is these are just the ones we've heard of.
god knows how many more are running loose.
'til next week.
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