NOW....COMING YOUR WAY!!

the new year is one week old, and i have set for myself a new goal....to be more consistent in my postings.   i will refrain from calling it a resolution because we all know where those end up, but it is something i will attempt to approach with a higher degree of diligence.   one thing i thought would help would be to give it a catchy little name that might encourage me.   several were considered and rejected until i came up with one that really captured the spirit of my intent.   therefore...TADAAA!!!...welcome to the first of what i hope will be many (because, god knows, there will be no lack of material from which to draw!), my nominations for the new WANKER OF THE WEEK!   with so much to choose from, i have had to whittle the list down, and as you might expect, there might be a certain political theme evident.   i have tried to remain fairly neutral (well, maybe didn't try TOO hard), but when stupid or egregious presents itself so blatantly, the choice usually makes itself.   so, ranging from the truly ridiculous to the "what the fuck were they thinking?", i present the first candidates of the year....in no particular order.

we'll start with the ex-wife of the author cormac mccarthy who was arrested after she assaulted her boyfriend with a gun she apparently had hidden and then pulled from her vagina.   either she was confused, forgot her holster, or was using a new product available in the nra gift shop...a .38 caliber tampon.   for the ultimate in feminine protection, never leave home without it.

we next go to the man who, after noticing his dog acting strangely, caught his roommate, on camera, having sex with the dog.   did i mention this took place in florida?   can't help but think it was a good thing he didn't have a hamster as a pet.   or a snake.   that picture actually might have been youtube gold, but still disgusting.

then we have the man who wants to run for governor in tennessee so that he can insure it will be always legal for him to shower with his raccoon.   he has to be related to the guy in florida.   and you know what they say...first you want to shower together, then you want to get married.

moving up the scale (but not by much), we have the minnesota man who, claiming to be a half-man, half-robot, created by a joint task-force from the cia and fbi, burned down his own house, threatening to do the same thing to his whole neighborhood.   and, of course, it's all obama's fault.

we have a gop senatorial candidate who thinks that the solution to our dysfunctional government is to move the whole capitol to the cornfields of nebraska where they can experience "true conservative values" and it would apparently be easier to dismantle obama's socialism.

staying on the political ladder for a moment, we have the chris christie staffer who thought it was a good idea (and funny!) to purposely gridlock the george washington bridge in order to retaliate with a new jersey mayor who refused to support the governor.   it resulted in the death of a 90-something woman because emt's couldn't get to her in time.   naughty, naughty.   you're fired.

"goofy goober" gohmert was seemingly proud to announce that the reason he wanted to be a politician was so that he could kick single mothers off of welfare.   silly me.   i thought it was because he didn't want to do any actual work while still collecting his $174,000 government welfare check.

and, up in maine, governor "loopy" lapage feels that since he began working at the age of 11, there should be no reason not to expect 12-year-olds to go out and get jobs today.   in other words...what child labor laws?

my top candidate for a while was the oregon couple who, upon finishing a nice sit-down dinner, handed their server a tip...an envelope of meth.    authorities went to search the room at the holiday inn express where they were staying, only to discover they were operating a drug lab there (didn't the maids ever clean the room!!   the smell should have been a dead giveaway!).

i do, however, have to give this weeks top prize to the texas court system who, ignoring the written wishes of a man and his wife, ordered her to remain on life support to protect the fetus she is carrying.   after being declared brain dead, it was discovered she was 14 weeks pregnant.  the man and his wife had specific dnr orders in place, but this made no difference to the texas courts.   now the man could be on the hook for tens, if not hundreds of thousands, of dollars in hospital bills and there is every possibility that the child may be born with severe developmental disabilities, requiring additional emotional and financial costs.   it is tragic on so many levels, but for a party that has for years advocated a less intrusive government, this only serves to highlight their hypocrisy and lack of general empathy.   it is terribly insufficient to simply call them wankers, but there aren't enough vile names, dirty words or middle fingers in the world to tell them exactly what i think.

well, that's it for this week.   let's hope that next week i can concentrate on only the silly, the stupid, the insipid.   i actually hate to say it, but where are sarah and michelle when you need them??