you know how they often say a dog is so ugly it's cute or a movie is so bad it's good? believe me when i say that neither of those two phrases pertain to this movie. i can say that, for a time, it's slightly better than #sharknado2, but that's faint praise, since by the time it's over about the best thing you can say is that possibly the best acting can be attributed to david hasselhoff. and, as in the two predecessors, a lot of the fun is spotting the numerous cameos.
WARNING!!! from here-on-in there will be numerous spoiler alerts, so if your intentions are to still watch this movie, i suggest you stop reading here. and if you do intend to watch, may i suggest you indulge in drinks or drugs to make the viewing more enjoyable. perhaps my opinion of the movie would be different had i been so inclined.
the first notable one is that of anne coulter, cast as the vice president of the united states. at first i thought it was a look-alike because thinking of her as vice president is as insane as thinking of donald trump sitting in the oval office, but once i realized it was really her, all my hopes were envisioning her being eaten. unfortunately, it seems that even cgi-generated sharks don't find the prospect of eating that pirahna very appetizing, or else it was just out of professional courtesy, they simply don't eat one of their predatory own. she escapes by surfing over numerous sharks down the white house stairway using a painting pulled from the wall. from the same political spectrum, michelle bachmann appears as herself in an interview where she's asked her opinion of the #sharknado3 attack on washington. as usual, she comes off sounding like she doesn't know what she's talking about. she even closes by saying she's 'late for a vote'. poor dear, thinks she's still in office. mark cuban played the president in a rather extended 'cameo' and honestly wasn't bad. appropriately hammy without going too overboard and maybe best supporting performance, behind 'the hoff' and frankie muniz, whose heroic death was exceptionally bloody and, despite loosing both legs and arms, struggles on to push a vital button with his face.
kathy lee and hoda make an appearance in which they think defending themselves by using broken wine bottles is a good (and funny) idea. sorry, wrong on both counts. they were probably cast because al and matt were in #2 and somebody did some effective whining. jackie collins made an appearance as herself portraying a fawning autograph seeking agent trolling for a client.
there was an assortment of professional athletes and nascar drivers, most of whom i'd never recognize, and they all ended up dead faster that one could blink anyway, plus an english singing duo, a former member of nsync and a few 'stars' of a variety of reality shows (i.e. nobody you'd really know or care about). there was one that was pointed out on sources that i only know as a name on the credits of 'game of thrones', the author of the novels george r.r. martin, his death a series of inside jokes that, at least, made his inclusion clever whereas the rest probably just worked for cheap.
and that brings us to where the shaking of the head kicks into high gear. with d.c. pretty much in ruins (the white house skewered by the washington monument) and universal orlando receiving a bloody licking while apparently continuing to operate (although the shark becoming a part of the roller coaster was amusing), nasa gets a chance to play a role. REMINDER: here's where the spoiler alerts come fast and furious. stop reading now if you really want to stay surprised.
getting permission to use a space shuttle that managed to stay launch ready, ian and hoff launch through the advancing storm, with tara jumping on board at the last minute (and in case i forgot to tell you, she's pregnant) in order to reactivate a reagan 'star wars satellite that they were able to keep secret in order to hopefully disperse the storm before it destroys the entire east coast. hoff, playing an astronaut who never got his big break, has to do a space walk in order to set it manually. once activated, it does it's job on the ground, but inexpicably blasting a whole bunch of sharks upwards into space, stranding hoff unable to get back into the shuttle and setting tara up for probably the best line on the movie....'how are they still alive in space?' good question. and they say you're so dumb. this begins the final, fateful battle between the sharks and our intrepid hunters, with ian using what looks like a hybrid of his signature chainsaw and light saber. how convenient it should just happen to be on a shuttle that's been sitting around for years. anyway, with both tara and ian now outside the shuttle, tara gets swallowed by a large fishy, ian goes 'NOOOOOOO!' and starts slashing away at more flying fishies until he too gets swallowed (same one as tara? stay tuned.) suddenly, they all start falling back to earth, setting on fire as they go through the atmosphere. but, never to be one to come unprepared, ian begins cutting through his shark from the inside until he's low enough to deploy his parachutes. space suits were equipped with their own chutes, triple chutes at that? who knew? anyway falling, on fire all the way, once they hit the ground, he crawls out, suddenly without the chutes or his space suit, having chewed up the inside of his shark searching for his pregnant wife, but not finding her. once outside, he sees another....by the way, you still with me? don't want you to get lost here.....large charred shark land nearby....intact, mind you. you'd think after falling from orbit and with a rather large thud there would have been quite a big messy splat. walking over to it, what should he see but another power saw coming through from inside the dearly departed beastie. btw, for the uninitiated, tara lost her hand in #2 and was able to retrofit the stump with a power circular saw in order to rejoin the battle earlier in the orlando stopover. okay? i'll continue. reaching inside the shark, what does ian pull out? no, not tara. seems she was able to ....wait for it....deliver the baby while wearing her space suit inside the shark (and people thought it was really something when that woman gave birth in the front seat. shit! try this, bitch!!!), so she hands him the baby and crawls out WITHOUT HER SUIT! storm over. ta- da!!! last scene shows hoff doing a salute but now on the moon next to armstrong's moon lander. 'god bless america!'
THE END!
your head still attached? need an aspirin? a vomit bag?
there. now i've saved you all that time and you don't have to watch the movie....unless you really want to. some people can be such masochists. but now for the good (?) news. it seems they're planning a #4. what some people won't do for a buck. maybe trump will do a cameo in that one. we can only hope that by then they'll find a shark that can stomach him.
P.S. during the show, they kept showing tweets from fans, one reading 'this is the best movie i've ever seen!' must've out-ranked 'dumb and dumder' by a hair. and 'gone with the wind'. 'citizen kane' and 'dr. zhivago' were all such pieces of crap anyway.
#sharknado3 #ohellno #thehoff #pleaselordmakeitstop #andyettheykeepcomingback
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